


Can't afford a Freddo, eat a Freddie?

by thecannibalofoz



Series: The Asda Cannibals [2]
Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 06:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5617510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecannibalofoz/pseuds/thecannibalofoz





	Can't afford a Freddo, eat a Freddie?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MissDisoriental](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissDisoriental/gifts).



"Did ya hear what I did, Will lad? Ate that census takers fucking liver with some Heinz and a bottle of Echo Falls from the Asda. Or was it the Bargain Booze? Can't remember, I got bladdered."  
"Yeah, mate, we all know about that."  
"Oh alright, Will. I'm allowed to be proud of me acheivements, aren't I? Liverpool only got Capital of Culture in '08 'cos I live here and I'm a fucking classy bugger."  
"You drink Echo Falls, you prick."  
"It's the fucking recession mate, we can't all be buyin' expensive wines, yerknow? I wouldn't even eat people if I could afford a pack of fucking Pom Bears. And I only eat real Nutella, not the jarg shit from the corner shop."  
We was in Birkenhead that day. Fucking winds me up, yerknow? I proper hate wools, I'd shove them in me oven with some Aunt Betties roast potatoes and have a feast but I'd probably get a disease.  
"What are we even doing, 'annibal, you twat? Got me drivin' round this stinkin' shithole for no reason, eh?"  
"Nah lad, we're trying to find Freddie Lounds." Freddie Lounds, the ginger minger. She has hair all frizzy like Ken Dodd's pubes and she's always tryna get me collared for sneaking vodka into me clients appointments using Capri-Sun pouches. I never thought any bird could be as much of a wanker as Jack Crawford but that lass managed it.  
"Are you gonna eat her?"  
"I dunno mate. Lad, can we stop at Bookers (fucking Birkenheads shitty version of Costco)? I need to buy something."  
"What lad?"  
"You'll see."

So we went inside Bookers and I was sniffing round the place like Scooby fucking Doo, tryna single out me purchase. WIll thought it was somethin' proper important like and he was dead concerned.  
"What is it, 'annibal? You can tell me, you prat."  
"...multipack of Haribo."  
"You dragged me round this dump for a Haribo multipack?"  
"No actually. A box filled with Haribo multipacks. And some Freddos."  
"....lad I'm gonna fuckin-"  
"They're cheaper when you buy them in bulk lad, I swear!"  
"We ain't millionaires! We can't afford a single Freddo, nevermind several. How many did you get?"  
"....a box full."  
"I swear to fucking God you sleazy little shitbag...did you use me wallet?"  
"...lad, think I might need to buy a scratchcard and hope for the best if we want rent this month."  
"I'm going to EAT YOU!" Will shouted, dead loud. A very concerned shop assistant glanced over at us. Poor birds face was similiar to the face of any lass whose ever been in Primark on a Saturday.  
"Lad, don't come on to me in public."  
"....I'll get you later you wanker," he whispered. I felt me life flash before me eyes, I swear to God. I only wanted some Jelly Babies 'cos they help me surpress me urges. So we went back to the car, and suddenly, I saw her. A flash of 'fro. It was Freddie.

"Lad Will Lad! I saw her! I fucking saw her!" I pushed him out the drivers seat and drove as fast as I could. She was headed towards the docks. I bet the arl crank was gettin' a ferry to stink up our fair city! I soared through every traffic light like Sonic the fucking hedgehog, lads, I might as well have been in Fast and Furious.  
We made it to the docks.  
"Where is she?" I said  
"There she is, you plonker!" She was already on the fucking ferry, and it had boarded up! She was like the Ginger Ninja, so fucking quick, and I ginger fucking snapped, swear to God. Will had to hold me down, felt like a fucking nit.  
"I guess we'll have to wait for the next one lad," he said. That's when I pulled out me secret stash; you guessed it, Echo Falls (from The Asda)!  
"Let's get pissed, kidderbean!" I said as I threw him a bottle. I had me fuckin JD Sports bag filled with the fuckers. I wasn't gonna have a liver by the time the ferry arrived (probably for the best, considering Will's threat earlier.)  
We necked the shitty wine like it was the key to life. In fact, Will got so blotto he started doin' the worm on the floor of the ferry station.


End file.
